Cast of characters: A standard four-person American family -- a father, Barack; a mother, Michelle; two children, Sasha and Malia -- facing extraordinary issues.

Scene: The White House breakfast nook, Aug. 4, 2010.

Malia: Mom! Dad's into the Froot Loops again. He has to eat oatmeal whether he likes it or not.

Michelle: Now just leave him alone today. It's his birthday. I'm bringing him his cards.

Barack: Cool stamps! Some of them are foreign. Some of them are American, too, helping keep the U.S. Postal Service out of bankruptcy. I think I'll open and read some. Pass me a cupcake.

Malia: Mom!

Barack: This one's from Kim Jong Il, with a neat North Korean stamp. "Dear Barack, I'll offer you a deal. If you'll let my youngest son, Kim Jong Un, come to Washington for a play date, with a chance to go shopping and buy the latest electronic games, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea will stop sinking South Korean ships and return to the six-party talks, at least until winter. (We can't afford to buy them clothes for negotiating conferences in the winter.) Happy Birthday from Pyongyang!"

Barack (opening a second card): This one's from Hillary. "Dear Barack, I have been busy with the wedding and I am sorry you couldn't be invited because the caterers couldn't deal with another 400 security guards, but I did want to wish you a happy birthday on this special day. I also wanted you to know that the fact that I have been making speeches all over the globe laying down a more militant position on issues such as Afghanistan and Pakistan does not mean that I am trying to stake out a position to the right of you in preparation for a run for the presidency in 2012. I fully support your "hopey, changey" approach to foreign affairs, as well as the restrained positions you are taking on such issues as immigration and the budget deficit, in spite of the ferment in the party and the nation. I am sorry that you aren't being invited to come to campaign rallies in some states to support Democratic candidates. I will certainly do my best to stand in for you at those events. My calendar is clear all the way up to the elections in November -- 2010, I mean, not 2012. Love, and Happy Birthday! Hillary."

Sasha: Daddy, do we have to do a play date with Kim Jong Un?

Barack: Pass me another cupcake. Michelle, could you ask one of the White House operators to get Susan Rice and Eric Holder on the phone? Not together! To talk onward assignments.

(Opening a card) This one's from Charlie Rangel. Nice Dominican Republic stamp. "Dear Barack, I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday from my villa here. Don't worry about ethics investigations or trials casting a pall over Democratic prospects in November. I have decided to go into exile here -- or maybe the Cayman Islands. Or maybe Cuba. It depends on which offers me the best deal. In any case I will take pains to see that the pesky American press doesn't get any more pictures of me in my lounger. Give my love to Nancy Pelosi. I'll come back if you get rid of her. The idea that I'm an embarrassment to the Democratic Party! Happy Birthday! Charlie."

Barack: I think pancakes with maple syrup are called for. Let's try for a good one. (Opening a card) It's from Angela Merkel! George Bush used to think she was cute. "Dear Barack, I want to wish you a happy birthday and hope fervently, for your sake and mine politically, that the coming year will be better than the previous one. I took your advice on helping bail out the Greeks and it cost me a regional election in North Rhine-Westphalia. I think you are doing a fine job of walking the line between providing economic stimuli and not trying to drive the American economy into a Weimar Republic-type scenario -- we all know how that came out, not to draw any parallels to 1930s Germany with your tea party types. Have a happy birthday and don't let anybody start any Reichstag fires! Love, Angela."

Barack: Here's one from Hamid Karzai. It's a box. Postage due. Let me unwrap it. Hmmm, it's empty, except there are some rubber bands in it. I wonder what that means. Sasha, put it over there with the one from Nouri al-Maliki, will you?

Michelle: You're not going to send them more of our money, are you?

Barack: I've got a choice? Here's one with an Israeli stamp on it. The return address says, "BB." He says that he is ready to go into unconditional talks with the Palestinians about a "two-states living side-by-side in peace" settlement as soon as we provide the Israeli side "guarantees." I wonder what that means. He has enclosed a map. I don't see Lebanon, Jordan or Syria on it.

Barack: Drop that postcard from Bernie Madoff in the trash, the one that has two boxes on it to check, "Pardon him now" and "Pardon him next year."

Michelle: There's a card here from Hu Jintao. It's full of money!

Barack: The card says, "Dear Barack, This bundle is to make up for all the money we shafted you out of this year by diddling the exchange rate. Put it someplace safe. Do not, DO NOT invest it in U.S. real estate or Greek, Portuguese, Spanish or Italian bonds. Love, Hu." Malia, put the Chinese money half in the Karzai box and half in the al-Maliki box. Let them figure out how much it is really worth.

Michelle: What's this letter with the Kenyan stamp?

Barack: (Opening it against his chest and reading silently) "Dear Barack, this is the very last copy of your original birth certificate from Kenya. I thought about keeping it and suggesting that you send me something nice every month for the rest of my life, but in the end I thought it was better to let you go on wondering whether this is the very last copy of it. Happy Birthday! Sincerely yours, Festus Mboya, Registrar of Births, Nairobi, Kenya."

Barack: Sasha, put this in the pile in the bowl in the middle of the table, with the ones with the certificates from Kyrgyzstan, Madagascar, Paraguay and Myanmar. Then see if you can get those birthday candles fired up again.

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