From: The Honorable Dick Cheney

Re: An orderly transition

I hope you will pardon my hacking into your AOL account, particularly given your recent troubles in that regard, but I'd like for the two of us to create a back-channel means to communicate in the weeks ahead.

I think it's in our nation's best interests if you and I begin planning for the official transfer of power now. Are you available to meet me at my secure, undisclosed location -- say, noon-ish Friday?

By the way, I applaud your use of a personal e-mail account to discuss state business. Very Rovian. And I fully understand your choice. The wolves in the liberal media elite and the so-called "good government" groups and the liberal judges are all so adamant about preserving every doodle, scribble and rendition order from my office that I'm also forced to go to extraordinary means to safeguard the public's business from prying eyes.

When you're here, please remind me to introduce you to Ralph, a trusted aide who shreds and eats all of my important documents. You should get to know him.

To: Vice President Cheney

From: Sarah Barracuda

Re: The tour!

Thank you so much for showing me around your secret hideaway, Mr. Vice President. I had noooo idea it was in Alaska. And underneath Sen. Ted Stevens' recently renovated house! Ingenious!

I am constantly amazed -- as I think most Americans now are -- at just how much federal money flows into my home state. The people of the United States are so very, very generous. I can't believe my hubby Todd ever wanted to join that silly secession party!

I enjoyed my visit with you very much and look forward to learning more from you about how our government works. And it was so sweet and thoughtful of you to add a moose-hunting range to your underground compound just for me! (I'm really sorry about dinging your lawyer. I think we need to adjust the lighting a bit. In any event, I hope he's OK.)

Thanks again! And please send my regards to Ralph. I think he'll work out just fine.

To: Gov. Barracuda

From: The Vice President

Re: Catching up

Please call me "Big Time." President Bush and many of my friends do, including my lawyer friend. He's healing nicely, incidentally. Thanks for inquiring. I know all about errant shots, BTW.

It was a pleasure to see you again and to meet your husband, Todd. Does the "First Dude" attend many of your meetings? It's your choice, of course, but I always found it best to save especially complicated discussions for days when the president was off riding his bike in the woods. (Best gift I ever purchased!) You might consider bringing a snowmobile to Washington for Todd for the same purpose. Goodness knows the city could use help plowing when it snows.

To: The Honorable Big Time

From: The Barracuda

Re: My crash course

The lessons you arranged are going well. So far, I've met with representatives of ExxonMobil, Halliburton and Blackwater and all those CEOs from the Association for the Preservation of Golden Parachutes. (What a weepy bunch!)

I also wanted to let you know that I'm quickly getting up to speed on foreign policy. I was at a campaign stop in Florida -- solo! -- a few days ago, and I'm pretty sure I caught a glimpse of Cuba. I understand that situation much better now.

Maybe some time you can take me to see Gitmo? If you don't mind, I'd like my former brother-in-law to go with us. He's volunteered, more or less, for a demonstration of waterboarding.

Oh, and before I forget: Todd and I have been talking, and we would like to express our gratitude to you in some sort of concrete way. Could we name a bridge after you? Not the one to nowhere, of course. I said "no, thank you" to that one because I'm a reformer! But we do have others. I like the sound of "Cheney's Way," don't you?